Quickie Joke
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funbus
Core Member
Taxidermist
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Mirror mirror on the door
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."
"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.
"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"
"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Bedroom American Football
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."
After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7.
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
The Perfect Man
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation...and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, ?You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.?
Janet responded, ?Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ?politically correct? for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.?
Hillary asked, ?Well,... how do you deal with the problem??
?Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.?
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolled over and asked, ?Janet, is that you??
Messing With The Sheiks' Women
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a cop," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your dick off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your dick off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
A: What do you call a gay man's scrotum?
Q: Mud flaps!
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
Four kinds of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is
Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ?F@CK YOU!?
Penis Size
TRUE FACT:
Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.
THEREFORE:
Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."
CONCLUSION:
Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big
one.
This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Mirror mirror on the door
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."
"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.
"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"
"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."
Bedroom American Football
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the old man cut a fart and says "seven points."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 7 to nothing."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie, score."
After about ten minutes later he old man farts again and says, Touchdown I'm ahead 14 to 7.
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
The old man strains really hard but, to no avail he can't fart, so not to be outdone by his wife, he gives it everything he has and strains real hard to get out just one more fart. Straining real hard the old man tries so hard he poops in the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
The Perfect Man
A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'
She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day.
The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."
So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"
Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name.
In a very load voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation...and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, ?You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.?
Janet responded, ?Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's ?politically correct? for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.?
Hillary asked, ?Well,... how do you deal with the problem??
?Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.?
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him! She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolled over and asked, ?Janet, is that you??
Messing With The Sheiks' Women
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting freaky with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turned to the first man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a cop," said the first man.
"Then we will shoot your dick off!" said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your dick off!" said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
A: What do you call a gay man's scrotum?
Q: Mud flaps!
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking around his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said. "Good morning, Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife is fine also. I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
Four kinds of Sex
The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom. The fourth kind is
Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ?F@CK YOU!?
Penis Size
TRUE FACT:
Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.
THEREFORE:
Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."
CONCLUSION:
Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big
one.
funbus
Core Member
HONDA
This guy went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor....I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA".
"That's interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.
The guy says "Sure." And sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA".
After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say "HONDA." It is a completely out of this world medical condition.
Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist. After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guys mouth and examining it.
The dentist says "A-haa!!!!....I have solved the problem."
The patient says "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc".....
The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."
The guy says "Yeah....so....What has that got to do with my farts?"
The dentist replies, "Cant you see??..... Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"
This guy went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor....I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA".
"That's interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.
The guy says "Sure." And sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA".
After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guys farts say "HONDA." It is a completely out of this world medical condition.
Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist. After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guys mouth and examining it.
The dentist says "A-haa!!!!....I have solved the problem."
The patient says "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc".....
The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."
The guy says "Yeah....so....What has that got to do with my farts?"
The dentist replies, "Cant you see??..... Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA"
funbus
Core Member
Mary Poppins
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!
Mary Poppins was travelling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please," said Mary.
"Certainly madam," he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely.
The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk. "Morning madam...sleep well?" "Yes, thank you," Mary replied. "Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho....they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh...well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"Ok I will...thanks!" replied Mary....who then checked out, paused awhile, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is.........
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!!
funbus
Core Member
My wife's gone ...
My wife's gone to the West Indies
-Jamaica?
-No, she went of her own accord.
That's the original one, now prepare for a deluge of variations....
-My wife's gone to the Indian coast
-Goa?
-Phwoar! I'll say!
-My wife's gone to St Petersburg.
-Is she Russian?
-No, she's taking her time.
-My wife's gone to Northern Italy
-Genoa?
-I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.
-My wife's had an accident on a volcano
-Krakatoa? -No.
She broke her leg.
-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
-Caracas
-Yes, absolutely loopy
-My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
-Wye?
-Search me.
-My wife's gone to the botanical gardens.
-Kew?
-Yes, it was rather busy.
-My wife's gone to Malawi
-Lilongwe?
-Yes, about 5000 miles
-My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos
-Inkhazi?
-Yes, constantly.
-My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea
-Seoul?
-No, R&B
-My wife caught a cold in the Gulf
-Qatar?
-Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks
-My wife had an accident in Slovenia
-Bled?
-like a stuck pig.
-My wife's parents are from Croatia
-Split?
-No, they're still happily married.
-My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia
-Singapore?
-Terrible. And the rest of the band sucked too.
-My wife went on a sailing course in Poole
-In Dorset?
-Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.
-My wife smoked a joint near Manchester
-In Hale?
My wife's gone to the West Indies
-Jamaica?
-No, she went of her own accord.
That's the original one, now prepare for a deluge of variations....
-My wife's gone to the Indian coast
-Goa?
-Phwoar! I'll say!
-My wife's gone to St Petersburg.
-Is she Russian?
-No, she's taking her time.
-My wife's gone to Northern Italy
-Genoa?
-I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.
-My wife's had an accident on a volcano
-Krakatoa? -No.
She broke her leg.
-My wife's gone mad in Venezuela
-Caracas
-Yes, absolutely loopy
-My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
-Wye?
-Search me.
-My wife's gone to the botanical gardens.
-Kew?
-Yes, it was rather busy.
-My wife's gone to Malawi
-Lilongwe?
-Yes, about 5000 miles
-My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos
-Inkhazi?
-Yes, constantly.
-My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea
-Seoul?
-No, R&B
-My wife caught a cold in the Gulf
-Qatar?
-Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks
-My wife had an accident in Slovenia
-Bled?
-like a stuck pig.
-My wife's parents are from Croatia
-Split?
-No, they're still happily married.
-My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia
-Singapore?
-Terrible. And the rest of the band sucked too.
-My wife went on a sailing course in Poole
-In Dorset?
-Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.
-My wife smoked a joint near Manchester
-In Hale?
funbus
Core Member
One day in the jungle...
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.
The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.
The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."
"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.
"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.
"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"
(Truly terrible... )
One day in the jungle a chimpanzee invented some tools to eat his dinner. One tool was a flat stick sharpened along one edge, this he used to cut his food.
The other was a stick with four smaller sticks attached to the end each sharpened to a point. He used to spear his food and place it in his mouth.
The chimp was very proud of his inventions which he called his one point tool and his four point tool. One day he awoke to find that the four point tool was missing. The chimp was distraught. He ran around the jungle trying to find his precious tool.
First he came upon the lion. "Lion, Lion!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No." Replied the lion, "I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the gorilla. "Gorilla, Gorilla!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"No." Replied the gorilla, "I have not seen your four point tool."
Then the chimp came upon the jaguar. "Jaguar, Jaguar!" he cried, "Have you seen my four point tool?"
"Yup!" replied the jaguar, "I've seen your four point tool."
"Well where is it?" inquired the chimp.
"I ate it." Said the jaguar, smugly.
"Why would you do that?" Cried the chimp.
"Because," replied the big cat, "I'm a four point tool eater jaguar!"
(Truly terrible... )
Keveen
Member
Did you hear about the new Chinese cookbook being sold only at pet stores. ''101 ways to wok your dog''
What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.
Why don't men show their true feelings? Because they don't have any.
I'd explain it to you, but your head would explode.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
I've used up all my sick days, so i'm phoning up dead.
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through their stomach is aiming just a little to high.
What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing press ups in a cucumber field.
What's pink,wrinkled and hangs out your trousers? Your gran.
Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.
Why don't men show their true feelings? Because they don't have any.
I'd explain it to you, but your head would explode.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
I've used up all my sick days, so i'm phoning up dead.
Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through their stomach is aiming just a little to high.
What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing press ups in a cucumber field.
What's pink,wrinkled and hangs out your trousers? Your gran.
Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
Keveen
Member
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door,sees the flowers and drags him in.She lies back on the couch,pulls her skirt up,rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!' 'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Cheryl Cole,Louis Walsh & simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, fallsforward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her bum he turns to Louis and says 'Your turn' Louis starts crying. 'What's wrong ?' says Simon. Louis sobs 'My head won't fit in the railings !'
Cheryl Cole,Louis Walsh & simon Cowell are walking along the street when Cheryl trips, fallsforward and jams her head in some railings. Simon, quick as a flash pulls her knickers down, and bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her bum he turns to Louis and says 'Your turn' Louis starts crying. 'What's wrong ?' says Simon. Louis sobs 'My head won't fit in the railings !'
funbus
Core Member
Parking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
Tow Truck
One night a big snowstorm hit. The next morning, as my wife was pulling out of the driveway, her car slid into a ditch. The local garage sent a tow truck, and she was soon on her way.
Later that day, my wife got stuck again. The same tow truck rescued her. One the way home, she went off the road again. Out came the tow truck - for the third time.
When the phone rang late that night, I answered it. "It's the garage man," I called to my wife. "He wants to know if it's all right to put the tow truck away."
The Truth Hurts
A man, seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror, pulls to the side of the road. A police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! (The man gives wife dirty look.)
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken taillight!
Wife: Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.)
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
Pull Over
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. He was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Since she was oblivious to his lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
Fifty-Five
Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least'."
Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"
Traffic Camera
As a man was driving down the road he passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash.
He couldn't believe it so he turned and, going at a snail's pace, he passed the camera again. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash.
He guessed it must be faulty, and home he went.
A few weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seat belt.
What Would Jesus Drive?
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord."
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
Tow Truck
One night a big snowstorm hit. The next morning, as my wife was pulling out of the driveway, her car slid into a ditch. The local garage sent a tow truck, and she was soon on her way.
Later that day, my wife got stuck again. The same tow truck rescued her. One the way home, she went off the road again. Out came the tow truck - for the third time.
When the phone rang late that night, I answered it. "It's the garage man," I called to my wife. "He wants to know if it's all right to put the tow truck away."
The Truth Hurts
A man, seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror, pulls to the side of the road. A police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! (The man gives wife dirty look.)
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken taillight!
Wife: Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! (The man gives his wife another a dirty look.)
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
Pull Over
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. He was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Since she was oblivious to his lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"
Fifty-Five
Policeman: "When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least'."
Woman driver: "Well, you are a long way off! It's this hat that makes me look so old!"
Traffic Camera
As a man was driving down the road he passed a traffic camera and saw it flash.
Astounded that he had been caught speeding when he was doing the speed limit, he turned around and, going even slower, he passed by the camera. Again, he saw it flash.
He couldn't believe it so he turned and, going at a snail's pace, he passed the camera again. AGAIN, he saw the camera flash.
He guessed it must be faulty, and home he went.
A few weeks later he received three traffic fines in the mail, all for not wearing a seat belt.
What Would Jesus Drive?
Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?"
One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."
Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."
Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring, "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."
Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."
And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord."
funbus
Core Member
Car Names Explained
* Audi - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
(OR) Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
(OR) All Unnecessary Devices Installed
* BMW - Big Money Works
(OR) Bought My Wife
(OR) Brutal Money Waster
* Buick - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
* Chevrolet - Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
(OR) Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
(OR) Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
(OR) Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
* Dodge - Dead or Dying Gas Eater
(OR) Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
(OR) Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
* Fiat - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
(OR) Fix It All the Time
* Ford - First On Race Day
(OR) Fast Only Rolling Downhill
(OR) First On Rust and Deterioration
(OR) Fix Or Repair Daily
* GM - General Maintenance; Great Mistake
* GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming?
* Garage Man's Companion
* Honda - Had One Never Did Again
(OR) Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
* Hyundai - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
* Mazda - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
* Oldsmobile - Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
(OR) Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
* Pinto - Put In New Transmission Often
* Pontiac - Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It's A Cadillac
* Saab - Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
(OR) Send Another Automobile Back
* Toyota - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
* Volvo - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
(OR) Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
* VW - Virtually Worthless
* Audi - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
(OR) Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
(OR) All Unnecessary Devices Installed
* BMW - Big Money Works
(OR) Bought My Wife
(OR) Brutal Money Waster
* Buick - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
* Chevrolet - Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
(OR) Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology
(OR) Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
(OR) Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
* Dodge - Dead or Dying Gas Eater
(OR) Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express
(OR) Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
* Fiat - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
(OR) Fix It All the Time
* Ford - First On Race Day
(OR) Fast Only Rolling Downhill
(OR) First On Rust and Deterioration
(OR) Fix Or Repair Daily
* GM - General Maintenance; Great Mistake
* GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming?
* Garage Man's Companion
* Honda - Had One Never Did Again
(OR) Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else
* Hyundai - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive
* Mazda - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
* Oldsmobile - Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
(OR) Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday
* Pinto - Put In New Transmission Often
* Pontiac - Poor Old Neanderthal Thinks It's A Cadillac
* Saab - Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
(OR) Send Another Automobile Back
* Toyota - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
* Volvo - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
(OR) Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners
* VW - Virtually Worthless
funbus
Core Member
The Truth About Car Ads
* MUST SELL
...before it blows up.
* NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
...was blindsided by a Winnebego.
* LOOKS LIKE NEW
...just don't try to drive it anywhere.
* ALL ORIGINAL
...I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
* LOADED WITH OPTIONS
...each one more troublesome than the next.
* NEVER SMOKED IN
...unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
* PROJECT CAR
...doesn't run.
* LOTS OF POTENTIAL
...doesn't run.
* NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
...doesn't run.
* MUST SELL
...before it blows up.
* NEEDS SOME BODY WORK
...was blindsided by a Winnebego.
* LOOKS LIKE NEW
...just don't try to drive it anywhere.
* ALL ORIGINAL
...I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.
* LOADED WITH OPTIONS
...each one more troublesome than the next.
* NEVER SMOKED IN
...unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.
* PROJECT CAR
...doesn't run.
* LOTS OF POTENTIAL
...doesn't run.
* NEEDS MINOR REPAIR
...doesn't run.
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